In my mid-30s, I was suddenly diagnosed with a type of terminal cancer that primarily affects elderly men. However, as a young single woman, I wasn’t quite ready to give up on finding the right relationship. After my treatment ended and I surpassed my given survival time, I hit up the dating apps for the first time ever.
I had no idea what I was doing.
Hoping to find Mr. Right, or at least Mr. Right Now Until I Croak, I swiped with furious intensity. I was honest about my situation in my bio and my conversations.
However, I soon realized that my dating-while-dying experiences weren’t so different than the foibles of my healthier friends.
My first match with potential? Mr. Self-Professed Nice Guy.
Z. worked in IT at a cancer radiation center. So far, so good. He would at least have experience with people like me. We exchanged pleasant conversations for a couple of weeks before the yellow flags started waving.
I learned something from talking to Z. When a guy tells you over and over again how nice he is, make sure you’re listening to what he’s really saying:
- “I’m too nice for women these days” means “I expect women to do everything for me, plan all the dates, and direct all of my actions.”
Z. wanted to text all the time. He needed fashion advice. Should he buy the blue shoes or the tan? He queried me for music recommendations. Outlaw Country or Classic Rock? (Ew, neither.) He needed to know the best options for gifts his niece would enjoy for her birthday. This was all flattering until it became clear he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend. He was looking for a mom. You have to be careful that Mr. Nice Guy isn’t looking for someone to run his errands, clean his toilet seat, and become his unpaid Instacart shopper.
2. “I’m never paying for another drink or dinner for a woman, even you. I have served my time and given enough of my money to women because I’m so nice” means “I paid for stuff and didn’t get laid, so I quit.”
Ooh, this is a fun one. Even during my cancer treatment, I remained employed full-time and financially independent. I don’t mind paying for my own drinks or dinner. However, there’s something very off-putting about a guy who, before you even schedule a date, demands you pay for everything yourself. So what if he’s laid out cash for drinks and dinner for everyone before you? This entitles him to nothing. Most women I know will offer to pay for their own drinks and dinner (and maybe even for their date’s!) anyway, so I don’t understand why “nice guys” eek this into pre-date conversations. Oh wait, I do. They’ve opened their wallets and realized this doesn’t mean a woman will open her vagina. Suddenly, they don’t seem so nice.
3.“I’m so nice that I’m going to tell you where you stand on my dating roster” means “I’m actually just going to trick you into thinking I’m being honest so you don’t ditch me.”
This seemed like a great idea. Z. would frequently update me about how many women he was talking to, and I kept him in the know about my options. He went from three women to two to just me. I was feeling pretty special until I saw his sad-sack Snapchat story later that same night about being stood up. For the sake of honesty, I replied to the story to ask how that was possible since he’d told me earlier that morning I was the only person he was talking to.
Left on read.
It’s cool when men let you know where you stand. What’s not cool is when they lie about it to seem nice. He didn’t owe me the information about where I stood, but he gave it anyway. The frustrating part was that it was false. Also, if they are going to lie, they should at least do a better job of covering it up.
4.“I don’t schedule dates that far in advance because I’m doing charity work and stuff with my parents” means “I’m really not that into you, but I’m too nice to say it.”
Z. constantly put me off. To be honest, he wasn’t my first choice anyway, but I was still willing to meet up with him and give it a shot. However, when I tried to schedule a date with him, he always told me he “never scheduled anything that far in advance” because he was too busy volunteering and helping his parents. I tried twice. Once was a week-and-a-half away, and the other was four days. Both were met with excuses. No matter how grand the reasons (hey, volunteering and helping are sexy!), if someone keeps putting you off and not giving alternate days or times, it’s just not worth the effort.
5.“My female friends have no idea why I’m single because I’m so nice” means “My female friends aren’t honest with me, or I don’t listen to them.”
Look, it’s possible Z. has flourishing female friendships that mean a lot to him, but they either aren’t giving him the hard truth, or he’s just not listening. If you’re a nice guy, you don’t need to scream it from the Bumble honeycombs. Your actions and the way you treat women will prove it.
Months later, I had a feeling Z. was still single, so I creeped on his social media. Sure enough, despite claiming he was looking for a relationship, he’s still flying solo. I’m not bitter and wish him the best. After all, I found someone who is truly nice and doesn’t have to remind me every ten minutes.
